Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just want nice things and good sex
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
