It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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