You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Randomize
