my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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