Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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