ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
