I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
