Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Rumble strips road head = magical
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
