anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Randomize
