So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
3 2 1 whiskey
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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