I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
they're like a gay fantastic four
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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