he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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