I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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