I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Randomize