Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize