Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
