Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
