you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
