I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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