Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
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