no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
