he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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