it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
