You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
