So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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