just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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