I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
