I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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