i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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