what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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