We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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