She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
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