When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize