thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
