your parents love me but you hate me
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
