I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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