I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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