i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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