That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
