We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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