we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
