dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize