Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
