The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
