I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
