im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
