based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
