As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Randomize
