I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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