after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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