i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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