just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
