6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
