Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
PS: I just woke up from my shower
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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