Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
