I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
