She is in my trunk
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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